50 Things the Team Have Learned from Each Other
by Miss Whoniverse
Summary: The Torchwood team have discovered what and what not to do over the course of their working and other... -wink wink- relationships. This is a list of the most prominent lessons learned. Co-written with KitCatty; please review!


**Things the Team Learn from Each Other**

1 Dinosaur droppings have a tendency to explode if microwaved

2 Janet does not respond well to weevil masks

3 Janet will proceed to go into unstoppable frenzy if faced with weevil mask

4 The rift does not respond well to golf balls hit into it

5 The rift will return golf balls with double force into the golfer's crotch or forehead

6 Do not pull a prank on Ianto unless you want to live on decaf for a while

7 And pterodactyl food

8 Using a modern insult on Tosh is like telling a brick wall its bricks are off-colour

9 Kidnapping someone in the middle of the night is not a appropriate prank

10 Gwen packs a mighty punch when insulted or kidnapped

11 Only let Owen near the kitchen if you want something to explode

12 If Tosh drags herself to work complaining of slight joint pain she's probably

broken her kneecap

13 You must never talk about the bunny

14 Once you understand and accept the fact that the medical machinery only responds

to Owen, we can all get along

15 Band-Aids don't keep head wounds closed

16 The loss of limb will not be fobbed off as 'just a flesh wound'.

17 Dinosaurs like the taste of freshly dismembered limbs

18 Once dinosaurs get used to the taste of freshly dismembered limbs, they may or

may not attempt to dismember further limbs for extended enjoyment

19 Humans were never meant to ride pterodactyls

20 Neither were Time Lords ever meant to ride pterodactyls

21 The laws of physics are facts, not challenges

22 Even if you are a twat you don't order pizza under 'Torchwood' unless you want a

dark-haired, Welsh, policewoman to track you down and try to infiltrate your base

23 Always buy quality birth control

24 Never misjudge the importance of 'Don't feed the animals' signs at the zoo

25 The base does _not _require a crocodile in river, no matter what Owen says

26 The resident prehistoric animal will object when attempts are made to introduce another similar animal to the area

27 There is never enough chocolate in the hub

28 Computers don't appreciate melted chocolate in the keyboard

29 Efforts to extricate chocolate from the grasp of a woman WILL prove harmful and/or fatal

30 Pretending that the corpses in the morgue are rising from the dead is very hard to rig up

31 You must be careful to remember that you have rigged up such a scene to avoid giving yourself a heart attack at two in the morning when you stumble in after a hard night's drinking

32 A jelly swimming pool in what were previously underground living quarters is very hard to drain and unstick

33 If you don't inform your childlike companions that you're removing their jelly swimming pool from what were previously living quarters, they may not take the surprise too well when they arrive expecting a sticky swim

34 You do not require a theme song

35 Gwen will kill you if you hum said theme song every second of the waking day

36 You will wake up in a cell with the theme song blaring at you in full volume from speakers just outside the cell door and left there to rot for as long as Gwen sees fit

37 Never turn your cell phone off

38 Unless you want Jack to half strangle you when he finds you ok and lock you in the cell next to the weevil

39 Torchwood will pay you when it wants to

40 Never ask what's in Jack's second right hand draw for fear of death

41 Ianto's titles for inanimate objects are under no circumstances to be challenged or discussed

42 No matter how much Owen or John want to have a Torchwood orgy it's never going to happen

43 Sometimes it's hard to tell if Jack is genuinely upset, but if you continue to do whatever you're doing and it's the wrong decision, you'll wake up in a hospital bed for your troubles

44 No matter how much you persuade them, Janet and Myfanwy will not engage in a battle to the death

45 Under no circumstance are you to stun gun a condom

46 Especially a full one

47 The five second rule does not apply in the hub; you never know what's been there

48 It's safer to feed it to Janet

49 Janet goes freaky when she eats meat lovers pizza

50 Janet goes freakier when she eats vegetarian pizza


End file.
